An Electronic Mental Health Newsletter from Joel I. Kimmel, Ph.D., P.A. & Associates
Volume 14, Number 2
Last week, the anniversary of the Douglas shooting passed. While some of our patients and friends have expressed relief that the date has come and gone, many still struggle with the trauma and its long-lasting effects. For some, the pain remains and will be here for a long time. It was a very emotionally heavy day but the huge outpouring of support from the community helped many in the healing process. Particularly peaceful was a visit to the Temple of Peace built in Coral Springs. Thoughts and pictures of the Temple can be found later in Dr. K’s Blog in this E-Letter. It was simply gratifying to see so many caring people uniting together to support each other.
This month’s E-Letter is about Being Yourself. It is important in our world of conformity and pressure to be on one side or another, to remember who you are and what you believe in. Our monthly E-Letter offers educational information about different topics of interest as well as suggestions for improvement.
We thank you for reading our E-Letters and for the suggestions and comments we have received. Downloads of this handout and others from our previous E-Letters can be found on our website, https://kimmelpsychology.com/e-letters/. We encourage you to read and download them.
EDUCATIONAL CONSULTATION
It is that time of year when many parents are concerned about their child’s performance or behavior in school. If you think that your child is having some difficulty or not performing up to their capabilities, it would be beneficial to consult with a professional.
Dr. Susan Flax is a licensed school psychologist who has extensive experience in evaluating children, adolescents, and young adults. She has tested for giftedness, intelligence, autism spectrum, attention deficit, depression, and anxiety disorders. She knows what it takes for students to thrive in school and understands the past demands, current expectations, and future educational/social pressures. She also knows exactly what is required to ensure your child receives accommodations and interventions, if needed, as quickly as possible.
Dr. Flax knows the approaches that work best to enhance focus and memory while reading, studying, learning, and test taking. She also knows strategies to help manage anxiety and behavior, and to develop emotional self-regulation so that a child can start and complete tasks at school and at home. Her user-friendly reports and clear explanations will empower you as a parent during conferences. She will also help you understand in advance what happens at a school meeting, who attends, and how to get your child’s needs met
Dr. Flax can be contacted at 954 755-2885 or by email at [email protected] to answer your questions or to schedule an appointment.
BEING YOURSELF!
Today we live in a world where there is great pressure to follow others, to believe as others want you to believe, and to conform to some movements’ point of view. Reinforced by television, the movies, social media, politicians, and media personalities, there is a great deemphasis on being an individual and being oneself. Those who express their point of view are often criticized quickly by some group who does not agree with them. Knowing oneself and actually being oneself can be a very difficult task. However, the rewards of personal satisfaction, achievement, and inner peace can be huge.
Our true self is our core identity. It is who we really are and the values we live by. It is being free of society’s judgments and pressures and our own self-judgments and self-criticisms. It is who we really are without the personas or masks we present to the world.
To know your true self, consider what is it that makes up the essence of who you are. What is important to you in life? How do you make choices? What do you like to do and what would you like to do? Think in terms of I and me and not you or they. What values do you hold dearly and do you live by them? How do you feel if you disagree with others when you state your beliefs? Can you disagree with a group?
What does personal growth mean to you? Are you still the same person you were ten or twenty years ago or have you evolved? Are you allowing yourself the time and space to improve, to learn and incorporate more? Have you become any smarter? In growing, forgiving yourself for past errors, mistakes, and poor choices is essential. Accept your mistakes and learn not to make them again. Avoid comparisons with others and resenting them. Being yourself will allow you to relax and be calm. Growth as a person is an essential part of being ourselves and remaining healthy.
Being yourself means to be honest and open with yourself and others. It means self-acceptance without caring what others think of you or trying to please them. It means not comparing yourself to them or trying to win them over. It means being respectful to yourself and others.
Living should be a continuous process of growth and evolution. Knowing who you are and loving that person can bring you great freedom, happiness, and calmness in your life.
We offer the following information on Being Yourself! This information can be downloaded as a handout at https://kimmelpsychology.com/e-letters/.
BEING YOURSELF!
Be yourself; everyone is already taken
WHAT TO KNOW!
WHAT TO DO!
WE CAN HELP!
Call us at 954 755-2885 or email us at [email protected]
Joel I. Kimmel, Ph.D. P.A. and Associates
5551 N University Drive, Suite 202
Coral Springs FL 33067
Dr. K’s Blog
2019
February 22, 2019
Last week I visited the Temple of Peace that has been constructed on Sample Road in Coral Springs. It was truly moving and reminded me of the 9/11 Memorial in New York City. It opened on Valentine’s Day, the one-year anniversary of the Douglas High School shooting, as a place of healing. An intricate structure, it is a safe haven for those who want to come and express their grief.
Inside the structure were flowers and hundreds of hand-written notes, drawings, pictures, and poems dedicated to those who were killed or wounded in the shooting. The messages in the notes were very personal and emotional. There were many people there yet no one spoke or intruded on others. It was very respectful and serene. I found the Temple of Peace quite comforting. I strongly suggest that if you can make it to the location, it is worth the visit.
The structure was constructed mostly by volunteers including students from Stoneman Douglas as well as some of the victims’ families. It will be burned down in May as a way of casting off the demons of pain, grief, and sorrow according to the artist David Best. This is not something to be missed.
January 21, 2019
Recently, I had the opportunity to attend both Art Miami and Art Palm Beach. I have attended these exhibitions for several years and almost always come away impressed. Both of these events showcase contemporary artists whose creativity and imagination are truly amazing. Unlike conventional paintings and sculptures, art is made from very unique items. Portraits of rock musicians are made from broken vinyl records. Dresses are made from plastic forks and spoons. Sculptures of animals are made from bullet casings. Other sculptures are made from used text books. Abstractions are made from buttons and pins. Large pictures of celebrities are made from smaller pictures of the same celebrity. Famous art scenes are replicated in bubble wrap. I often wonder how these artists come up with their medium. How do they think of what materials to use to create their works?
Simply put, artists think differently that ordinary people. I don’t believe they are bound by our conventional cause and effect thinking. Rather they think out of the proverbial box. The artists seem able to see things differently and create what they see in ways than most people wouldn’t even dream. They not only can conceptualize differently but they are able to construct their vision. Who would think of painting each bubble of a bubble wrap section a different color and then be able to complete the picture to be a likeness of a Seurat?
Our world is fortunate to have artists and other creative spirits. They cause us to expand our own thinking and appreciate seeing objects and even the world in different ways. In this manner, we grow and evolve.
2018
December 21, 2018
Every year at this time, I set aside time to do some thinking about what happened in my life this year. Was it better than last year and if not, why not? Did I do everything I wanted? Did I improve my health? Did I tell those who I love and care for that I do love them and do care for them? Did I grow myself and help others to live a happier life? I think being a psychologist causes one to be more introspective than others. And yes, I actively spent time with those I love and care for and tried to help this who I treat to live better lives.
This year, unfortunately, will live in history as a tragic year. It is just a few months short of the one-year anniversary of the horrific tragedy that occurred at Stoneman Douglas High School on Valentine’s Day. While life does go on, many, many, many members of the community have been traumatized by the shooting. Even though life seems to have returned to normal, people have not. I find myself wanting to know more about what happened that fateful day and then feeling angry and appalled by the numerous failures of the systems designed to protect our students and all of us. What good is it to “See Something, Say Something” when many people did say something yet nothing was done. Who is being held accountable for the failures that day? Are they still in positions of responsibility or are they just trying to pass the blame onto others? Will we ever know who failed to protect our kids? What messages are we teaching our kids?
I truly hope that this new year brings some solace to those who are still grieving, still fearful, and still in shock from that horrible event. My New Year’s wish is for speedy healing of those who have been traumatized so that one day in some year soon they can look back and say that this was a good year.
November 16, 2018
Last week, I had the pleasure of meeting, over dinner, a Holocaust survivor who spent three years in Auschwitz. A friendly and outgoing individual, Morris is more than 90 years old and in very good health. His cognitive abilities were great and he easily spoke about his life. He detailed his experiences including showing his tattooed arm and what it was like being liberated. He said that he spends a lot of time talking to students in school and enjoys opening their eyes to his experiences with the message of “Never Again”. One wonders and I am often asked, how can these survivors enjoy life after what they have been through? Aren’t they filled with hate?
Was it a coincidence that I met him on Kristallnacht? Who knows? I told him that I had visited that death camp many times and perhaps that was the one of the things that bonded us. There was a genuine warmth and good feelings making this connection. Having had a horrific childhood, he now lives on his own but is he lonely or bitter? Not a chance. He has found a purpose which adds meaning to his life.
This is a man who took the worst and turned it into the best for himself.
A lesson for us all.
October 20, 2018
Unfortunately, politics has been good for my business. While I believe that few people have sought treatment because of being upset about politics, there is not one patient I have who has not talked or made comments about politicians. It seems to me that people are angry, scared, and worried about the future. Rightly or wrongly so, their emotional states have escalated and they report feelings of powerless. The question of what can I do is followed by a shrug of the shoulders and a reluctant acceptance of the current situation.
Ironically, as a psychologist, I work to empower my patients with new ways of thinking and behaving to resolve their problems and deescalate their negative feelings. We work towards avoiding harmful, negative situations and learning how to handle them when they occur. We model respect for ourselves and for others. We develop strategies to deal with difficult people and situations and develop ways to handle the anxiety, anger, and frustration.
The current political and societal climate have given us a lot to work with.
September 21, 2018
Like many others I have spoken to and have heard, I am appalled by the lack of decency and respect in our society today. I believe that this is a bigger problem than just politics where much of it comes from. What are the messages we teach each other and our children? What will the future be like if we cannot trust or respect each other? What values do we live by and how can we feel secure in a world where the main entertainment is winning or getting the better of the other guy? I believe this is a time when all of us need to evaluate our own values and behaviors and determine whether we are contributing to the collapse of decency and respect. We all need to decide how we want to live and relate to each other.
It is also the time that each of us individually need to take the responsibility of bettering society by how we live and by being an example of respect and decency. We cannot wait for society’s
leaders and influencers to set an example because they haven’t yet and probably won’t. It is my belief that only each of us can repair the world in our way.
Be kind and respectful to others. Hold the door and say please and thank you. Smile at others. Cooperate and help those who need it all the time not just in times of illness or catastrophes. Think of others not just ourselves. Be charitable and see others not as competitors but also trying to make their way in the world. Refrain from watching or listening to rabble-rousers as well as television shows or movies that degrade your values. Let others know that disrespect and indecency will not be accepted. Be a leader and not a follower.
If not now, when?
July 19, 2018
Recently I decided to do an experiment to put more balance in my life. Since I frequently talk to many people, I wanted to see if I could go a day without speaking to no more than three people. Would I be successful? The answer was yes and I was surprised and gratified. I went to the beach by myself prepared to snack, read, and listen to music. The weather in the morning and early afternoon was perfect. Just before the crowds descended upon the beach, I left having spent several hours under an umbrella in the sun. What serenity to have the day to myself to do what I wanted to do and I did. I made the time to relax, left all my responsibilities behind, and did not have to listen to or talk to anyone. I did however speak to both of my adult children but that was it for the day. I watched the fireworks through the rain while listening to music on the car radio. The day was just what I needed.
My typical day is filled with responsibilities. I have deep, emotional conversations with multiple people every day. In addition, there are always things that need to be done at home and in the office. There are phone calls to answer, chores that need to be done, and plans made for the next day or week. I often feel like I am doing a lot just to keep up, doing what needs to be done. But researching a balanced life led me to thinking and the above experiment.
I think it is hard to understand a balanced life until one actually experiences it. If you feel like your life just consists of things that need to be done, consider taking a day off and experiencing a balanced life. Maybe you will change your life to have more fun and relaxation and pursue the activities that you want to do not have to do.
June 14, 2018
I have just recovered from a cold. Like many of us, I suffered with congestion, runny nose, a cough, and difficulty sleeping. Fortunately, it did not last long after following my doctor’s advice. But it made me think of how lucky we are to usually be in good health. We often take that for granted as we busy ourselves with our responsibilities and activities. Once we are sick, we realize how debilitating colds can be. We have to cancel appointments, suffer with discomfort, and just wait until we get better.
Being sick made me truly appreciate how good it is to be healthy. I have always taken steps to be healthy…eating right, exercising, and getting enough sleep. I spray disinfectant after sick patients come to the office and wash my hands multiple times during the day. But the truth is, despite doing our best, we get sick and have to rest up until it passes.
We take our good health for granted and do not focus enough on maintaining it. It is important to recognize that good health is not a gift. It is dependent upon what we do, what we eat, what we drink, how we sleep, what drugs we put in our bodies, and how we work.
Maybe by getting sick, we get refocused on living a healthy lifestyle and being conscious of all that we do.
May 21, 2018
Just as predicted, another school shooting happened. This time in Texas. Ten more lost their lives by an angry and probably mentally ill young man. Again parents, family, and a community grieve because there have been no significant changes. When the tragedies happen, we band together supporting each other and demanding change. Then everything quiets down and people become passive waiting for the elections, for the internal review reports, or for the notoriously slow legal system to take action. This passivity needs to be challenged and the marching must continue for there to be effective change.
Years ago, I remember when there were the post office and workplace shootings that occurred because of disgruntled employees who believed they were harmed in some way. Today, it seems like there are disgruntled students who put such low value on human life, that they go into their schools to kill. When will this stop?
The killing will stop not when there are changes in the gun laws. The killings will stop when politicians and society recognize that mental illness is a causative factor in these murders. Not all people who have a mental disorder are dangerous yet there are those who are just so angry, so disillusioned, so disenfranchised, so isolated that they somehow see killing others as acceptable.
The signs are often there but ignored because mental illness is not taken seriously in our society. These people need to be identified early before they reach the point of rage and act out. They need to be understood and treated so that these tragedies can be prevented before they happen. These individuals need to be defused of their anger and connected to others so that they do not isolate.
We need to march not only for a change in gun laws but also for a change in how we deal with mental illness before another tragedy occurs.
April 20, 2018
It has now been over two months since the terrible tragedy that happened at Stoneman Douglas. School and routines have resumed but people are not the same. A profound sadness is still upon the community and it will take a long time to overcome the anger and grief, if ever. But most people I have spoken to want to resume their lives.
Town hall meetings and gun violence protests occur frequently and rightly so. Hopefully changes will be made to protect and ensure the safety of our society. However, it seems that little attention has been paid to those individuals who are mentally or characterologically ill. History has shown us that these types of individuals will continue to act out against society and will find the means to do so.
We must as a society find ways to help these people and get them connected so that they are not isolated and angry. Early identification of behavioral or emotional problems can help these individuals before their anger and resentment grow into acting out behaviors against society. This is not just a suggestion; this is a necessity.
We very well may be looking at a mental health epidemic. Combine this with the availability of weapons is a recipe for disaster. Just providing money to have more counselors at schools or to failed mental health clinics is not enough. Just as we would with a medical illness, we need to have mental health tools, quality training of therapists, and research-based screening programs to identify and help those individuals at risk before they escalate.
The time has come. Mental illness needs to be recognized as an epidemic and treated and not hidden because of stigma or not being an exciting topic for the media. Guns do kill people but people pull the trigger.
January 20, 2018
During the past year, many of my patients have come to their sessions angry about politics. It doesn’t matter what party they belong to or whether they are right-leaning, left-leaning, or centrist, they are all angry and frustrated. They feel powerless and worry about the future of our country and of themselves. Perhaps, rightly so. Many hours have been spent in conversation attempting to reduce their anger and to focus on their daily lives.
One of the suggestions that have come out of our discussions seems to work. That is, to reduce or eliminate the number of hours spent watching the news on television or listening to it on the radio. It doesn’t matter what network you watch or listen to. All of them seem intent on stirring up feelings of unfairness and anger but offer no solutions. I guess the ultimate goal is to get watchers or listeners glued to their stations. Perhaps this is a media addiction. Yet there is no high but only worry and anger.
I recently read an article about a self-imposed news blackout by Christopher Hebert, an assistant professor of English at the University of Tennessee, in the January 18 edition of The Guardian. The following is an excerpt:
Ignorance is far easier than I thought. I finish two or three audiobooks a week. I read novels instead of newspapers. Five months into my blackout, I’m happier than I ever was back in the days when I was informed. My fingernails are growing back. The sleeping pills remain in the bottle. I’m getting more work done. My family comes home at the end of the day to find me smiling, chopping things for dinner without my old regicidal rage. And yet, part of me can’t stop feeling guilty about feeling good.
Perhaps, this is one solution to the anger and frustration of a media news addiction.
2017
December 18, 2017
Today, a patient of mine told me that his daughters were graduating from college in a few months. I was surprised to realize and remember how fast time passes. I know that it does but was nevertheless surprised. It seemed like it was just yesterday, that we were discussing their separating and leaving home for college. We spent many sessions discussing being an empty nester and the changes and opportunities it brings.
Time is relative in that it seems like some moments go on forever and some go so quickly that if we blink, we miss them. Life just seems to happen while we are waiting for whatever we are waiting for. While we are looking at what we don’t have and didn’t do, we miss out on what we did do and the wonderful experiences that we did have. I think the answer lies in living in the moment. Taking in as much as we can, both good and bad, is the best we can do.
I recently saw a friend of mine who was depressed about turning 70. We talked and I tried to get him to see that age was just a number and how he viewed that number would determine his mood. I don’t think I got very far trying to convince him that he was not old and was still vital and helpful to so many people. Maybe it sunk in.
For myself, I have been practicing mindfulness and trying to live in the moment. I am looking for stillness and sometimes am successful. I try to use all my senses in savoring the moment and some simple experiences defy description in their beauty. Yet reality and our society seem to have a way of intruding so that stress and worry are created. I look at mindfulness and appreciating natural beauty as the antidote to the constant troubling news and feeling of powerless generated by politicians, news people, and other media types.
The past year has been difficult in some ways yet I have had some wonderful experiences with my family and friends. None of us knows what the new year brings for us but I am determined to enjoy as much of it as I can. It will take work and discipline and sacrifice and commitment. But what is the alternative?
November 18. 2017
On Thursday nights, I take a restorative yoga class. This class is not a typical yoga class. Rather, it is more of a meditation and relaxation class. Guided by the instructor while in postures of relaxation, I find myself letting go and truly relaxing from the business of the week. In fact, when the class is over, few yogis want to leave and “I needed that” is frequently heard.
Although I have been trained in relaxation techniques and use them with some patients, it is hard for me to actually relax. Taking this class has allowed me to experience in some way what my patients experience. True relaxation necessitates the ability to let go; something most of us have a hard time doing. Whether we live hurried lives or we don’t have a sense of safety without our guards being up, relaxation takes practice. Letting one’s guard down takes trust. Letting go takes effort.
In restorative yoga after a sense of stillness is achieved in a posture, the instructor uses guided imagery to describe peaceful and beautiful scenes to direct our attention towards relaxing. Following the teacher’s imagery, one can transcend the everyday world into the world of the imagery. Worries disappear, muscles loosen and smooth out, and the events of the day are forgotten for a few moments. Some people become so relaxed that they even fall asleep.
Research has shown that relaxation has many psychological and physical benefits. In the hectic and stressful world in which we live, relaxation is not a luxury. It is a necessity. I have found my way to relax in restorative yoga. I hope you can find your way. Consider taking a yoga class.
October 21, 2017
Last night I watched the movie, “Woodstock: 3 Days of Peace, Music, and Love”, and was visibly moved by how much our society has changed in the almost 50 years since this festival occurred. As I remembered and confirmed in the movie, the Woodstock community was peaceful and loving. Numerous comments were made about how nice the kids were, how courteous they were to each other, and how helpful they were to each other. This happened despite the quantity of drugs, the rain, the lack of food, the lack of accommodations, and the difficulties in transportation. Townspeople went out of their way to comment on how courteous the kids were saying “thank you” and “please” and asking permission. They greeted each other warmly and were well behaved not wanting to trespass on the property of others. They respected themselves and each other. When food ran out, they shared. When it rained, they shared whatever they had to cover themselves. When disagreements occurred, they settled them peacefully. When someone overdosed or had bad trips, there were others and medics to help them. They worked together to make this temporary society flourish. As Spock says in Star Trek, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few … or the one.
Contrast that with today’s society. It seems to me that disrespect has become the norm. The values of our society which has existed for generations seems to have become eroded. Language has deteriorated to the point that curse words are used commonly in language by both sexes in public and on television. Dress has become so casual that in some cases it borders on sloppy and unsanitary. Respect for institutions is not trendy nor important. Values seem to be only important when it serves the needs of the person. Verbal attacks upon others occur daily and fake news and innuendo have become okay to use as fact. People will trample others to get the sale item when in limited quantities. Often, we don’t hear thank you or please even when holding the door for others. Protests have replaced communication, problem solving, compromise, or even mutual discussion. Selfishness and materialism seem to have become the norm and are reinforced by our media. The needs of the one appears to be more important than the needs of the many.
What has caused this in the past almost 50 years? We can point to many factors: fear, anger, the Vietnam War and others, the coming of age of the Internet, advertising, the pursuit of more money at the expense of others, the absence of appropriate role modeling by adults, drugs and alcohol, lies and deceit by politicians, celebrities, and broadcast news, serial abusers, Madoff type scandals, hidden agendas, and a silent society that allows these changes to occur. I am sure we can cite more causes.
Can we ever regain respect for our society to function? I would like to be optimistic and think yes. We see it in the support our nation gives to others when there is a disaster. We see it when individuals volunteer their money and time to help those who are less fortunate. We see it in the dedicated teachers and first responders. We see it in many others who still honor our values.
What can you do? Respect yourself. Follow the Golden Rule. Stick to your standards even though others may not. Say “thank you” and please. Smile at others. Be courteous. Let others get in front of you while driving. Just be concerned about the needs of the many rather than the needs of the one.
As always, I am interested in your thoughts. If you would like to respond to this blog, email me your comments at [email protected] and I will publish them next month.
Till March…
The information provided in this electronic newsletter is not a substitute for professional treatment. It is the opinions of the writers and is provided solely for educational purposes. For mental health care, seek a qualified professional.
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If you find this information interesting or helpful, please forward this E-Letter to your contacts and friends. Copyright © 2019 by Joel I. Kimmel, Ph.D. P.A. and Associates.
