Incivility: The New Normal?
An Electronic Mental Health Newsletter from Joel I. Kimmel, Ph.D., P.A. & Associates
Volume 13, Number 10
The last Saturday in October has been designated as Make a Difference Day. Begun in 1990, it is a day devoted to doing volunteer work to help others in the community. It doesn’t matter what you do as long as you participate. It can be community improvements, cleanups, distributing food to a food kitchen, giving blood, or helping the elderly. It is people giving to others in the spirit of caring and consideration.
This day is in sharp contrast to the divisiveness in our country and the rampant incivility. Calls to be incivil to others because they don’t think like you or act like you are disrespectful and tear at the fabric of society’s values. Anger, fear, and depression become predominant feelings as we deal with the pressure to choose a side. We can disagree but do we have to get up in someone’s face? I remind those of you of the philosophy of Star Trek’s Mr. Spock: “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.”
Our E-Letter this month is about Incivility: The New Normal? Incivility describes behaviors that are rude, threatening, and disrespectful and prevent open communication and agreement. It spreads easily and can become the norm with unacceptable language and behaviors. Read on.
We thank you for reading our E-Letters and for the suggestions and comments we have received. Downloads of handouts from our previous E-Letters can be found on our website, https://kimmelpsychology.com/e-letters/. We invite you to read and download them.
INCIVILITY: THE NEW NORMAL?
Have you ever been insulted or experienced rude and disrespectful behavior? Has a group that you have been affiliated with been verbally attacked or threatened because it does not share the same views as another group? Have you watched news program and the print media promote their viewpoints to influence you at the cost of unbiased journalism? Have you read posts from friends and others that make derogatory comments about other people? Why have so many people been on the attack against someone?
The answer may lie in the recognition that incivil behavior spreads like a virus and infects others. People demanding their way regardless of what is best for our society has taken hold in our connected world. And it is promoted by tweeting, retweeting, posting, etc. Several, yes several, of our elected leaders have become downright bad-mannered yet they command the news cycle. Our global community has become much smaller because of our interconnectedness and rude behavior gets air time.
We get desensitized and feel powerless. What was once unacceptable -name calling, disturbing others in public places, the use of vulgar language – doesn’t even raise an eyebrow any more. One group’s protest becomes more important than what is good for the entire society. It is a selfishness where the belief is that mine is more important than yours. But then this becomes the norm and where do we go from there? How do we ever get respect and consideration for others back as a society value?
Incivil behaviors can lead to increased stress and anger, increased health problems, decreased work productivity, aggressive behaviors including road rage, vandalism, and the end of friendships/relationships We become incivil when we fail at communication. We become incivil when we fail at understanding that we need each other to make society work. We become incivil when we fail to do good unto others. If we cannot respect and listen to others, then society will continue to deteriorate.
It is up to us to be civil in the face of incivility. We need to not reinforce incivil behaviors and people. We need to practice respect and caring for others especially with those whom we disagree. We need to communicate and try to listen to another’s point of view even when we disagree. We need to practice stress reduction when we feel angry or frustrated by the close-mindedness of an incivil person. We need to model positive, respectful, and appreciative behaviors but not let ourselves get bullied. We need to consider that the needs of the many do outweigh the needs of the few.
We offer the following information on Incivility: The New Normal? This information can be downloaded as a handout at www.kimmelpsychology.com/e-letters/.
INCIVILITY: THE NEW NORMAL?
I don’t believe in confrontation. That seems to me outside civil discourse and we all have to find a way to be civil to one another
WHAT TO KNOW!
- Incivility is a term used to describe behaviors that are lacking in respect and good manners, are rude, are threatening, and are destructive to the core of society’s values
- Rudeness and disrespect for others becomes the norm with usually unacceptable language and actions becoming acceptable behaviors
- Underlying incivility is an inability to communicate between people due to intention, ignorance, threat, anger, fear, and loyalty to some group’s beliefs
- Incivility is like a virus that can spread quickly and easily to others and make people less kind, less considerate, and less respectful
- It can end relationships and energize angry words and behaviors towards others
- It can polarize normally calm people into unthinking and blindly accepting the words and actions of a group leader
- 70% of Americans believe that incivility has reached crisis proportions according to a 2013 study, Civility in America: A Nationwide Survey; 34% blame Twitter with the average amount of Incivil behaviors occurring 2.4 times a day
- Being a victim or just seeing incivility can create a “cognitive fog” resulting in reduced attention, information processing, and problem-solving abilities
- Incivil behaviors include vulgar language, rude gestures, interrupting others, monopolizing conversations, minimizing and discounting what others say, intentionally opposing and arguing with others, and not paying attention to what is important to them
- Other incivil behaviors include:
- conversational narcissism where people find a way to shift the conversation to focus on themselves
- pseudolistening where people pretend to pay attention but are really thinking about something else
- Incivil behaviors can lead to increased stress and anger, increased health problems, decreased work productivity, aggressive behaviors including road rage, vandalism, and the end of friendships/relationships
WHAT TO DO!
WE CAN HELP!
Call us at 954 755-2885 or email us at DrKimmel@KimmelPsychology.com
Joel I. Kimmel, Ph.D. P.A. and Associates
5551 N University Drive, Suite 202
Coral Springs FL 33067
Copyright © 2018 by Joel I. Kimmel, Ph.D.
Dr. K’s Blog
October 20, 2018
Unfortunately, politics has been good for my business. While I believe that few people have sought treatment because of being upset about politics, there is not one patient I have who has not talked or made comments about politicians. It seems to me that people are angry, scared, and worried about the future. Rightly or wrongly so, their emotional states have escalated and they report feelings of powerless. The question of what can I do is followed by a shrug of the shoulders and a reluctant acceptance of the current situation.
Ironically, as a psychologist, I work to empower my patients with new ways of thinking and behaving to resolve their problems and deescalate their negative feelings. We work towards avoiding harmful, negative situations and learning how to handle them when they occur. We model respect for ourselves and for others. We develop strategies to deal with difficult people and situations and develop ways to handle the anxiety, anger, and frustration.
The current political and societal climate have given us a lot to work with.
September 21, 2018
Like many others I have spoken to and have heard, I am appalled by the lack of decency and respect in our society today. I believe that this is a bigger problem than just politics where much of it comes from. What are the messages we teach each other and our children? What will the future be like if we cannot trust or respect each other? What values do we live by and how can we feel secure in a world where the main entertainment is winning or getting the better of the other guy? I believe this is a time when all of us need to evaluate our own values and behaviors and determine whether we are contributing to the collapse of decency and respect. We all need to decide how we want to live and relate to each other.
It is also the time that each of us individually need to take the responsibility of bettering society by how we live and by being an example of respect and decency. We cannot wait for society’s leaders and influencers to set an example because they haven’t yet and probably won’t. It is my belief that only each of us can repair the world in our way.
Be kind and respectful to others. Hold the door and say please and thank you. Smile at others. Cooperate and help those who need it all the time not just in times of illness or catastrophes. Think of others not just ourselves. Be charitable and see others not as competitors but also trying to make their way in the world. Refrain from watching or listening to rabble-rousers as well as television shows or movies that degrade your values. Let others know that disrespect and indecency will not be accepted. Be a leader and not a follower.
If not now, when?
July 19, 2018
Recently I decided to do an experiment to put more balance in my life. Since I frequently talk to many people, I wanted to see if I could go a day without speaking to no more than three people. Would I be successful? The answer was yes and I was surprised and gratified. I went to the beach by myself prepared to snack, read, and listen to music. The weather in the morning and early afternoon was perfect. Just before the crowds descended upon the beach, I left having spent several hours under an umbrella in the sun. What serenity to have the day to myself to do what I wanted to do and I did. I made the time to relax, left all my responsibilities behind, and did not have to listen to or talk to anyone. I did however speak to both of my adult children but that was it for the day. I watched the fireworks through the rain while listening to music on the car radio. The day was just what I needed.
My typical day is filled with responsibilities. I have deep, emotional conversations with multiple people every day. In addition, there are always things that need to be done at home and in the office. There are phone calls to answer, chores that need to be done, and plans made for the next day or week. I often feel like I am doing a lot just to keep up, doing what needs to be done. But researching a balanced life led me to thinking and the above experiment.
I think it is hard to understand a balanced life until one actually experiences it. If you feel like your life just consists of things that need to be done, consider taking a day off and experiencing a balanced life. Maybe you will change your life to have more fun and relaxation and pursue the activities that you want to do not have to do.
June 14, 2018
I have just recovered from a cold. Like many of us, I suffered with congestion, runny nose, a cough, and difficulty sleeping. Fortunately, it did not last long after following my doctor’s advice. But it made me think of how lucky we are to usually be in good health. We often take that for granted as we busy ourselves with our responsibilities and activities. Once we are sick, we realize how debilitating colds can be. We have to cancel appointments, suffer with discomfort, and just wait until we get better.
Being sick made me truly appreciate how good it is to be healthy. I have always taken steps to be healthy…eating right, exercising, and getting enough sleep. I spray disinfectant after sick patients come to the office and wash my hands multiple times during the day. But the truth is, despite doing our best, we get sick and have to rest up until it passes.
We take our good health for granted and do not focus enough on maintaining it. It is important to recognize that good health is not a gift. It is dependent upon what we do, what we eat, what we drink, how we sleep, what drugs we put in our bodies, and how we work.
Maybe by getting sick, we get refocused on living a healthy lifestyle and being conscious of all that we do.
May 21, 2018
Just as predicted, another school shooting happened. This time in Texas. Ten more lost their lives by an angry and probably mentally ill young man. Again parents, family, and a community grieve because there have been no significant changes. When the tragedies happen, we band together supporting each other and demanding change. Then everything quiets down and people become passive waiting for the elections, for the internal review reports, or for the notoriously slow legal system to take action. This passivity needs to be challenged and the marching must continue for there to be effective change.
Years ago, I remember when there were the post office and workplace shootings that occurred because of disgruntled employees who believed they were harmed in some way. Today, it seems like there are disgruntled students who put such low value on human life, that they go into their schools to kill. When will this stop?
The killing will stop not when there are changes in the gun laws. The killings will stop when politicians and society recognize that mental illness is a causative factor in these murders. Not all people who have a mental disorder are dangerous yet there are those who are just so angry, so disillusioned, so disenfranchised, so isolated that they somehow see killing others as acceptable.
The signs are often there but ignored because mental illness is not taken seriously in our society. These people need to be identified early before they reach the point of rage and act out. They need to be understood and treated so that these tragedies can be prevented before they happen. These individuals need to be defused of their anger and connected to others so that they do not isolate.
We need to march not only for a change in gun laws but also for a change in how we deal with mental illness before another tragedy occurs.
April 20, 2018
It has now been over two months since the terrible tragedy that happened at Stoneman Douglas. School and routines have resumed but people are not the same. A profound sadness is still upon the community and it will take a long time to overcome the anger and grief, if ever. But most people I have spoken to want to resume their lives.
Town hall meetings and gun violence protests occur frequently and rightly so. Hopefully changes will be made to protect and ensure the safety of our society. However, it seems that little attention has been paid to those individuals who are mentally or characterologically ill. History has shown us that these types of individuals will continue to act out against society and will find the means to do so.
We must as a society find ways to help these people and get them connected so that they are not isolated and angry. Early identification of behavioral or emotional problems can help these individuals before their anger and resentment grow into acting out behaviors against society. This is not just a suggestion; this is a necessity.
We very well may be looking at a mental health epidemic. Combine this with the availability of weapons is a recipe for disaster. Just providing money to have more counselors at schools or to failed mental health clinics is not enough. Just as we would with a medical illness, we need to have mental health tools, quality training of therapists, and research-based screening programs to identify and help those individuals at risk before they escalate.
The time has come. Mental illness needs to be recognized as an epidemic and treated and not hidden because of stigma or not being an exciting topic for the media. Guns do kill people but people pull the trigger.
January 20, 2018
During the past year, many of my patients have come to their sessions angry about politics. It doesn’t matter what party they belong to or whether they are right-leaning, left-leaning, or centrist, they are all angry and frustrated. They feel powerless and worry about the future of our country and of themselves. Perhaps, rightly so. Many hours have been spent in conversation attempting to reduce their anger and to focus on their daily lives.
One of the suggestions that have come out of our discussions seems to work. That is, to reduce or eliminate the number of hours spent watching the news on television or listening to it on the radio. It doesn’t matter what network you watch or listen to. All of them seem intent on stirring up feelings of unfairness and anger but offer no solutions. I guess the ultimate goal is to get watchers or listeners glued to their stations. Perhaps this is a media addiction. Yet there is no high but only worry and anger.
I recently read an article about a self-imposed news blackout by Christopher Hebert, an assistant professor of English at the University of Tennessee, in the January 18 edition of The Guardian. The following is an excerpt:
Ignorance is far easier than I thought. I finish two or three audiobooks a week. I read novels instead of newspapers. Five months into my blackout, I’m happier than I ever was back in the days when I was informed. My fingernails are growing back. The sleeping pills remain in the bottle. I’m getting more work done. My family comes home at the end of the day to find me smiling, chopping things for dinner without my old vegicidal rage. And yet, part of me can’t stop feeling guilty about feeling good.
Perhaps, this is one solution to the anger and frustration of a media news addiction.
December 18, 2017
Today, a patient of mine told me that his daughters were graduating from college in a few months. I was surprised to realize and remember how fast time passes. I know that it does but was nevertheless surprised. It seemed like it was just yesterday, that we were discussing their separating and leaving home for college. We spent many sessions discussing being an empty nester and the changes and opportunities it brings.
Time is relative in that it seems like some moments go on forever and some go so quickly that if we blink we miss them. Life just seems to happen while we are waiting for whatever we are waiting for. While we are looking at what we don’t have and didn’t do, we miss out on what we did do and the wonderful experiences that we did have. I think the answer lies in living in the moment. Taking in as much as we can, both good and bad, is the best we can do.
I recently saw a friend of mine who was depressed about turning 70. We talked and I tried to get him to see that age was just a number and how he viewed that number would determine his mood. I don’t think I got very far trying to convince him that he was not old and was still vital and helpful to so many people. Maybe it sunk in.
For myself, I have been practicing mindfulness and trying to live in the moment. I am looking for stillness and sometimes am successful. I try to use all my senses in savoring the moment and some simple experiences defy description in their beauty. Yet reality and our society seem to have a way of intruding so that stress and worry are created. I look at mindfulness and appreciating natural beauty as the antidote to the constant troubling news and feeling of powerless generated by politicians, news people, and other media types.
The past year has been difficult in some ways yet I have had some wonderful experiences with my family and friends. None of us knows what the new year brings for us but I am determined to enjoy as much of it as I can. It will take work and discipline and sacrifice and commitment. But what is the alternative?
November 18. 2017
On Thursday nights, I take a restorative yoga class. This class is not a typical yoga class. Rather, it is more of a meditation and relaxation class. Guided by the instructor while in postures of relaxation, I find myself letting go and truly relaxing from the business of the week. In fact, when the class is over, few yogis want to leave and “I needed that” is frequently heard.
Although I have been trained in relaxation techniques and use them with some patients, it is hard for me to actually relax. Taking this class has allowed me to experience in some way what my patients experience. True relaxation necessitates the ability to let go; something most of us have a hard time doing. Whether we live hurried lives or we don’t have a sense of safety without our guards being up, relaxation takes practice. Letting one’s guard down takes trust. Letting go takes effort.
In restorative yoga after a sense of stillness is achieved in a posture, the instructor uses guided imagery to describe peaceful and beautiful scenes to direct our attention towards relaxing. Following the teacher’s imagery, one can transcend the everyday world into the world of the imagery. Worries disappear, muscles loosen and smooth out, and the events of the day are forgotten for a few moments. Some people become so relaxed that they even fall asleep.
Research has shown that relaxation has many psychological and physical benefits. In the hectic and stressful world in which we live, relaxation is not a luxury. It is a necessity. I have found my way to relax in restorative yoga. I hope you can find your way. Consider taking a yoga class.
October 21, 2017
Last night I watched the movie, “Woodstock: 3 Days of Peace, Music, and Love”, and was visibly moved by how much our society has changed in the almost 50 years since this festival occurred. As I remembered and confirmed in the movie, the Woodstock community was peaceful and loving. Numerous comments were made about how nice the kids were, how courteous they were to each other, and how helpful they were to each other. This happened despite the quantity of drugs, the rain, the lack of food, the lack of accommodations, and the difficulties in transportation. Townspeople went out of their way to comment on how courteous the kids were saying “thank you” and “please” and asking permission. They greeted each other warmly and were well behaved not wanting to trespass on the property of others. They respected themselves and each other. When food ran out, they shared. When it rained, they shared whatever they had to cover themselves. When disagreements occurred, they settled them peacefully. When someone overdosed or had bad trips, there were others and medics to help them. They worked together to make this temporary society flourish. As Spock says in Star Trek, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few … or the one.
Contrast that with today’s society. It seems to me that disrespect has become the norm. The values of our society which has existed for generations seems to have become eroded. Language has deteriorated to the point that curse words are used commonly in language by both sexes in public and on television. Dress has become so casual that in some cases it borders on sloppy and unsanitary. Respect for institutions is not trendy nor important. Values seem to be only important when it serves the needs of the person. Verbal attacks upon others occur daily and fake news and innuendo have become okay to use as fact. People will trample others to get the sale item when in limited quantities. Often, we don’t hear thank you or please even when holding the door for others. Protests have replaced communication, problem solving, compromise, or even mutual discussion. Selfishness and materialism seem to have become the norm and are reinforced by our media. The needs of the one appears to be more important than the needs of the many.
What has caused this in the past almost 50 years? We can point to many factors: fear, anger, the Vietnam War and others, the coming of age of the Internet, advertising, the pursuit of more money at the expense of others, the absence of appropriate role modeling by adults, drugs and alcohol, lies and deceit by politicians, celebrities, and broadcast news, serial abusers, Madoff type scandals, hidden agendas, and a silent society that allows these changes to occur. I am sure we can cite more causes.
Can we ever regain respect for our society to function? I would like to be optimistic and think yes. We see it in the support our nation gives to others when there is a disaster. We see it when individuals volunteer their money and time to help those who are less fortunate. We see it in the dedicated teachers and first responders. We see it in many others who still honor our values.
What can you do? Respect yourself. Follow the Golden Rule. Stick to your standards even though others may not. Say “thank you” and please. Smile at others. Be courteous. Let others get in front of you while driving. Just be concerned about the needs of the many rather than the needs of the one.
As always, I am interested in your thoughts. If you would like to respond to this blog, email me your comments at DrKimmel@KimmelPsychology.com and I will publish them next month.
The information provided in this electronic newsletter is not a substitute for professional treatment. It is the opinions of the writers and is provided solely for educational purposes. For mental health care, seek a qualified professional.
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If you find this information interesting or helpful, please forward this E-Letter to your contacts and friends. Copyright © 2018 by Joel I. Kimmel, Ph.D. P.A. and Associates.